Listen. We all love our kids more than anything. We would move mountains for them. We would also, on a quiet Tuesday, absolutely consider pretending the Wi-Fi is broken just to buy ourselves ten minutes of silence.
Brisbane family life is beautiful, chaotic, loud, messy and occasionally absolutely exhausting. Nobody tells you that parenting requires this level of constant energy output, and nobody tells you that some days the best parenting move you can make is to find the most efficient path through the day and survive with your sanity largely intact.
This is a judgement-free zone. If you have seen Bad Moms and thought “finally, someone gets it” — welcome. You are going to love this. Here are the lazy parent hacks I have collected over the years. Some from experience. Some from other Brisbane parents. All tried, tested and mum-approved.
Food Tips
- If your toddler is a messy eater, feed them their dinner while they sit in the bath. This saves on clean up of kids and table in one go.
- Toddlers learning pincer grip: pop their high chair in front of the Wiggles with a bunch of peas, raisins, grated cheese etc and enjoy the 15 minutes of peace and quiet this brings you. Make sure your dog is also in the room for simple cleanup.
- When the kids do not finish their lemonade, make margaritas.
- Hide your chocolate inside vege packets in the freezer. They will never look there.
- Always refer to wine as “juice” or “water”. When your child tells people how much “water” you drink it will make you sound healthy.
- The ice cream truck only plays music when they run out of ice cream. My kids believe this. Please do not tell them otherwise.
- Keep the kids’ plastic cups down low so they can get their own drinks. Especially handy if you have a fridge with a water dispenser.
Out and About Tips
- Tie a helium balloon to them when out somewhere with crowds. It makes them easier to find if they stray off.
- Dress your kids in matching clothing when going to the shops so that if you lose one you can say “she looks like this one.”
- Use a marker to write your phone number on their arm for easy returns if they do wander off.
School Tips
- If you are going to be late to school, be actually late so you can drop them off in the now-clear kiss and ride zone and not have to walk all that extra distance.
- An uneaten apple can be recycled in a lunch box for several days before needing replacing and you still pass the teacher test of giving healthy foods.
- If you need an extra few minutes during the day, tell the kids you will pick them up “late” and arrive 20 minutes after the bell when the car park and congestion has cleared. Only suitable for older children, obviously.
- Rushed to school on a winter’s morning only to find the kids do not have their jumper? Borrow one from the lost and found bin and get them to return it at first break when the day has warmed up.
Tech Tips
- Download a new app any time you need some extra quiet at dinner out, in the waiting room, on a long drive.
- Kids not getting off the iPad? Remotely disconnect their Wi-Fi access and watch them all turn up suddenly.
- Play video games “together” but just disconnect their controllers so your game does not get messed with.
- If you want your kids to memorise a number like their birthdate or your mobile, set it as the log-in code on their device and they will have it down in a matter of hours.
Home Tips
- Save yourself the matching or missing sock drama by encouraging your kids to wear mismatched socks and calling it trendy.
- Convince your kids that you hate the sound of the vacuum cleaner and watch them vacuum when they are mad at you “just to annoy you.”
- Tell them you hid something they want in their bedroom (Wi-Fi password, chocolate bar) and that they can have it if they clean their room to find it. Pro tip: do not actually hide it. Just give it to them at the end.
- Sick of the kids fighting? Purchase noise-cancelling headphones and wait it out.
- Kids love to be pushed on the swing but you love to sit and do nothing? Tie a rope to the swing and sit back in the shade with a leftover-lemonade-margarita and a cheese platter knowing you are absolutely smashing parenting goals.
- Make ponytails in record time using a vacuum cleaner.
- Kids hiding from you? Play the jingle from the ice cream truck and watch them come running.
- Tell them their ears turn red when they lie. They will cover their ears when lying to you and it is hilarious to watch play out in real life.
Parent Sleep Tips
- Toddler parent Sunday sleep-in: set up the lounge the night before with some raisins on the coffee table and the TV set to ABC Kids so all they have to do when they wake up is press the red button. You’re welcome.
- Daylight savings: that first early morning is rough. Send the kids to the grandparents’ house the night before and wake up like you are a human being again.
- Need an extra hour’s sleep? If they stay in their bedroom until a certain time in the morning, sneak in and put the clock back an hour and enjoy that extra blissful peace.
And that, friends, is my full brain dump of ways to survive the tough days of Brisbane family life.
Am I suggesting you occasionally trick your children? Yes. Lovingly. Am I suggesting wine is a parenting tool? Also yes, but only in moderation and only after the kids are in bed. Am I suggesting noise-cancelling headphones are among the best parenting purchases you can make? Absolutely. Buy them this weekend. You will not regret it.
We are all just doing our best out here. Some days the best looks like home-cooked meals, craft projects and reading three bedtime stories. Other days the best looks like cereal for dinner and putting the clock back an hour. Both are valid. Both count. Both deserve a margarita made from leftover lemonade at the end.
If you have hacks of your own that belong on this list, drop them in the comments below. Brisbane parents need to stick together.
If you need me, I will be sipping my “water” with a cheese platter while my children tidy their rooms in search of the chocolate I have hidden in the frozen peas packet in the deep freeze.
Brisbane Family Life 